


Phil Coulson's Guide to Training Violet Hawks

by Era_Penn, Hawkwind1980



Series: The Idiot Genius and His Somewhat Blind Hawk [6]
Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Clint Has Issues, Crack Fic, Gen, Humor, heh, taking care of hawkeye
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-05-10
Updated: 2018-05-28
Packaged: 2018-10-30 08:53:55
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 4,337
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10873398
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Era_Penn/pseuds/Era_Penn, https://archiveofourown.org/users/Hawkwind1980/pseuds/Hawkwind1980
Summary: Hawkeye comes with an instruction manual.





	1. Introduction

**Author's Note:**

> Fun little side crack!fic from Era and Hawk! Enjoy! :)

_An Introduction to Falconry._

So you’ve decided to acquire a hawk. Be advised that they are loud, smelly, and tend to attract vermin. On the other hand, once trained, they are remarkably effective and loyal pets for those who are willing to go to the trouble. Proceed with your end goal in mind. You want to win the war, not the battle. 

Keep in mind that unlike most hawks, the rare violet hawk thrives on attention (see “Giving your Hawk Feedback” and “Working with your Hawk on a Team” for more details) and suffers in isolation. However, they are rather skittish until their trust is earned. Stay calm when interacting with your hawk. Shouting encourages rebellion, but a calm falconer reassures the hawk that they provide a safe haven to which the hawk may return. Patience and calm are a must. The ability to use deadpan humor is a bonus.

_TIP: if all else fails, violet hawks can be bribed into compliance with fancy new weaponry, blanket forts, and waffles. See “Bribery” for more details._

CAUTION: Limit use of sugar- and caffeine- based bribes. The violet hawk is prone to Stark-level manic highs and chaos if allowed excessive amounts of either substance. A cup of coffee in the morning is acceptable (see “Feeding your Hawk” for more details).

DO NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES SHORT OF AN ALIEN INVASION, PERMIT THE VIOLET HAWK TO ACQUIRE STARK-GRADE CAFFEINE RATIONS OR CHOCOLATE-COVERED ESPRESSO BEANS.


	2. Basic Care and Feeding of Your Hawk

_Basic Care and Feeding of your Hawk._

_Nests_  
The ideal location for a violet hawk nest must be very large. Violet hawks get restless if confined to a small space and require territory to protect in order to thrive. The nest itself may not be very large. It should be high up, such as in a loft, on the top of a bunk bed, or in a hammock hung high in the air. The violet hawk often creates multiple secondary nests near its primary nest in case of attack or threats within its territory and often prefers locations near exit routes. This means that air vents may be blocked by secondary nests and should be checked regularly to ensure effective ventilation. The primary nest may need extra fans to ensure good ventilation, and violet hawks will want large, fluffy blankets for their other nests, even if they prefer a hammock-style home. All nests are best placed in corners and up high, where the hawk can see and hear anyone and anything approaching.

_NOTE: Your violet hawk will hoard weapons, placing them both in its nest and around its territory. See “Weaponry” for more details._

_Baths and Showers_  
Violet hawks often forget to do such simple tasks as cleaning themselves. In comparison to other ventures, they find this boring and pointless. Finding a mate for your violet hawk can make this easier to manage, due to their tendency to attempt to show off and/or join their mate in the mate’s bath or shower. If your hawk fails to take a bath for a long period of time, a reminder is usually enough to convince them to do so. If your hawk is particularly tired or stubborn, however, you may need to take further action. You may threaten to give your hawk a sponge-bath if they go an excessive amount of time between showers. Bubble baths and small bath toys can sometimes make a good bribe, particularly if your hawk is refusing due to exhaustion. As a last resort, dump some kind of slime or sticky substance on your hawk. This pushes their instinct to clean themselves into overdrive, and you will soon have a clean hawk once again.

_Food and Water_  
Left to its own devices, the violet hawk’s diet consists of sugary cereal, bacon, peanut butter sandwiches, MREs, and the rare can of Campbell’s soup. You can sneak healthy food into your hawk’s diet by leaving small bags of snacks (such as trail mix, beef jerky, and other relatively healthy treats) along its preferred travel routes and near its nests. Additionally, keeping fresh fruit in the kitchen, string cheeses and other pre-packaged snack-sized cheese, and gourmet yogurt cups (the ChobaniTM flips are particularly attractive) on hand can encourage healthy snacking. The violet hawk is particularly fond of apples. However, nutrition tends to be more balanced if your violet hawk must provide for its flock or mate. The hawk’s protective instincts lead the hawk to creating and consuming healthier food more regularly, as it seeks to feed and care for its flock or mate. Mates can be especially effective in boosting your violet hawk’s nutrition, as they enjoy showing off and will cook extravagant meals for their mate.

The violet hawk’s preferred beverage is blue Gatorade, which is a fairly good option that should be encouraged, albeit with some variation to keep your hawk from getting too bored.

_TIP: Avoid red gatorade; it makes it difficult to tell when your hawk is hiding an injury._

The violet hawk does, however, make an exception in the morning for coffee. The hawk is not particularly picky about how its coffee is prepared; if it has a mate, it tends to take its coffee the same way. Please note that excessive caffeine is not only bad for your hawk, but also everyone and everything in a ten to forty mile radius. It is best to limit your hawk to two or three cups of coffee in the morning, and none after noon unless your hawk is willing to submit to decaf. The violet hawk does have a special liking for Dunkin’ Donuts’ cocoa cream iced coffee, but this should generally be avoided for the safety of bystanders. It is best to limit your hawk to two or three of these a year, never within the same month.

_Clothing_  
The violet hawk can generally be trusted to do its own laundry, though it may need to be reminded about the desired frequency of such an occurrence. If a laundromat-style facility is available, a flockmate engaging in the acquisition of clean clothing will encourage the violet hawk to follow suit, both for social and protective reasons. If there is a laundry chute or similar services which allow laundry to be delivered to a cleaning service, the hawk can be trained to deposit their laundry appropriately. Be sure to warn the laundry service about the probability of bloodstains as well as other, less desirable stains, and bribe the service to report all stains found since the violet hawk may attempt to hide injuries.

Your hawk will require:  
A variety of T-shirts for everyday wear (purple shirts are a favorite)  
**Be careful to screen T-shirts with writing for offensive/sarcastic writing. Make sure your hawk has at least a week’s worth of plain T-shirts.  
Two or three hoodies  
Two or three nice suits and a tuxedo  
Several pairs of jeans and cargo shorts  
A dressy pair of shoes  
Combat boots  
A pair of slippers  
Comfortable pajama pants  
A battle suit (SHIELD and/or Stark Industries will supply as needed)

CAUTION: Avoid white clothing. It makes it difficult for your violet hawk to hide when it feels the urge, and it makes it much harder to clean up messes on its clothes.

_Weaponry_  
The violet hawk tends to hoard weaponry. In particular, the violet hawk favors bows and arrows, knives, various explosives, and assorted items which cause minor pain and inconvenience (for example, legos and marbles). Shoe organizers make excellent places to organize and store small weapons, while larger weapons fit well into lockers or hidden wall panels. Keeping a shoe organizer near the hawk’s primary nest can cut down on accidental explosions and scratches.

Due to its tendency to hoard weapons, the violet hawk can occasionally be bribed with new or upgraded weaponry and technology. See “Bribery” for more information.


	3. Preventative Maintenance

_Preventative Maintenance._

Despite its sugar-laden diet, the violet hawk is good at dental hygiene, possibly due to a strong dislike of the dentist and an admitted inability to tend to dental problems by itself. Unfortunately, the violet hawk tends to attempt self-treatment of medical ailments (See “Medical Care and your Hawk” for further detail), so certain types of training are necessary to ensure your hawk’s continued good health and emotional stability. 

_Sleep:_ Your hawk will likely not keep to a normal sleep schedule unless forced. Left to its own devices, it will stay up three days at a stretch and then sleep for eighteen hours. Considering the proven ill effects such a sleep schedule has, even on those trained to it, it is recommended that you set a definite and regular bedtime for your hawk whenever it is not working. 

_Note: In the case of a mated hawk, bedtimes are usually less of a problem. If your hawk’s mate is an engineer or scientist, simply enforce regular bedtimes on the mate as well._

_Diet:_ As noted in Basic Care and Feeding, the violet hawk tends toward a sugar- and sodium-laden diet. Monitor your hawk’s diet to ensure a better balance of nutrients, particularly with regard to eating green vegetables. Hummus dips and ranch dressing have proven useful (and healthy) ways of getting your hawk to eat green vegetables. Adding shredded cheese to steamed vegetables is also helpful but generally counterproductive as it adds a little too much fat to your hawk’s diet.

 _Exercise Routines:_ Your hawk needs to be monitored so as not to overdo the exercise. Pay particularly close attention to time spent at the archery range after a mission in which things have gone wrong, particularly if the result was a serious injury of a flock member or any loss of life of a non-combatant. You may need to initiate a lock-out code for both the archery range and any firearms ranges if the mission also resulted in serious injury to your hawk.

 _Entertainment:_ Violet hawks tend mostly toward more juvenile forms of entertainment. Cartoons, animated movies, and pranks tend to be particularly entertaining to the hawk. Violet hawks also enjoy interacting with animals, and some entertainment may be provided by volunteering your hawk at animal shelters.

* * *

 _Negotiating with your Hawk_  
While the behavior of a relaxed violet hawk may bear a strong resemblance to a toddler's, resist the urge to apply parenting techniques suitable for toddlers, namely the 'provide options' technique. A toddler will choose one of the options offered. The violet hawk, on the other hand, if offered a choice of A, B, or C, will invent a choice E and say it was an alternative to the D you didn't offer. Furthermore, the violet hawk will violently deny that choice D was never offered. Remember, keep calm and focus on winning the war.

_TIP: Offer only heads I win, tails you lose options and deals. Ensure that all choices offered end with results favorable to your preferred course of action._

* * *

_Giving your Hawk Feedback_  
In order for your violet hawk to thrive, it requires constant feedback on its words and actions. Fortunately, the violet hawk is quite adept at discerning humor and sarcasm (though it may pretend it isn’t when it suits, so be careful with use of either), so providing feedback is fairly simple. Deliver praise when praise is due. When scolding, sarcasm and humor can be effective methods to use, particularly as the violet hawk dislikes yelling. Written admonishments are largely ineffective.

_TIP: Deliver praise in public (hawks love the spotlight), but administer admonishments in private (but not in the nest, as that is your hawk’s safe haven). This can boost the trust between you and your hawk._

If your violet hawk makes a mistake while on a mission, and its mate or a member of its flock is injured, be very careful not to place the blame for the injury on the hawk. It will already be blaming itself plenty. Instead, encourage more productive actions, such as making plans for future missions with similar circumstances. Additionally, assigning the hawk to the care of its mate or flockmate will ensure the hawk feels it has atoned for its actions without being an excessive punishment. This will also help assure your violet hawk that their mate or flockmate is safe and will recover.

* * *

 _Bribery and Threats_  
Basic bribes for the violet hawk can be effective. If the hawk has a mate, guaranteed time off to spend with that mate can be a good bribe. Time with other flock members can be equally effective. Basic bribes of food, treats, and simple activities (such as attending the movies or going out to eat) are fairly harmless and can be considered depending on your hawk’s preferences. Such bribes should be offered within the hawk’s territory when possible, to minimize the fallout of a maniacally happy hawk and/or their mate. 

A slightly more advanced but still relatively harmless bribe is allowing the stalking and observation of civilians and/or coworkers, particularly new agents. Not only does this encourage your hawk to work off some energy in a fairly quiet manner, it also provides training benefits to your operatives.

As noted in the introduction, the most effective (and thus last-resort) bribes for violet hawks are fancy new weaponry, blanket forts, and waffles. Depending on the circumstance, different bribes may be called for. This section will break down each bribe to clarify the circumstances and details of its use. Keep in mind that the more urgent or severe the type of circumstance, the larger the bribe you should be prepared to offer. Of course, basic negotiation techniques dictate that you begin by offering the lowest payoff appropriate.

_NOTE: Always be prepared to follow through on your bribe or threat, otherwise bribes and threats will cease to be effective._

_TIP: You should never attempt to bribe your hawk with anything that may allow it to avoid the effects of gravity, as this only encourages it to jump off of tall things, a dangerous activity with which it is oddly enamored._

**Weaponry:** Never offer your hawk Hammer products. StarkTech is its preferred selection, but ensure all weaponry your hawk receives has been fully tested. It is best to avoid using explosives as bribes, as your hawk will attempt to find any reason to test out its new toy that it can. 

_Exception: You may offer your hawk Hammertech if you intend for it to have fun destroying it, especially if doing so ensures that SHIELD will not requisition the tech due to its low price._

**Blanket Forts:** Oddly, despite its love for high places, the violet hawk enjoys blanket forts. Best results to date have been gleaned using a couch as the back of the fort (the cushions provide a nest within the fort’s confines), a weapons locker as one side of the fort, a dormitory refrigerator as the other side, and ensuring the fort contained a television set or computer with a DVD player and a selection of animated movies and cartoons. The preferred blanket fort uses fluffy microfleece blankets in its construction. In a pinch, however, or when your hawk is anxious, any soft materials will do. For added security and comfort, acquire pillows or blankets from your hawk’s mate’s and flockmates’ beds. The scents of its flock and mate will help reassure your hawk it is safe.

 **Waffles:** Must be homemade—see Appendix A for several proven recipes—and loaded with butter and smothered with powdered sugar. Since this means that your hawk will be approaching maximum recommended daily sugar consumption, try to reserve for a day when you can send your hawk for strenuous physical activity. Alternatively, feed your hawk waffles when you intend to send him to face DOOM, AIM, Hammer, or other enemies deserving of the chaos.

 **Threats:** Threats for the violet hawk are most effective when they do not cause physical harm, are not permanent, and/or require sitting still for prolonged periods of time. Examples of threats include: solo missions in polar regions; sponge baths; attendance of opera performances, ballets, or concerts; denial of weapon privileges; removal of some type of treat from the hawk’s food sources; copious amounts of paperwork, particularly if it involves expense reports; and anything else involving solitary, incommunicado activity. Violet hawks are quite social. This is particularly effective if your hawk has a mate.

CAUTION: DO NOT use physical force beyond a light boop to the back of the head as a punishment. DO NOT use yelling or shouting as a form of punishment. This will cause your hawk to lose all trust in you and refuse to listen to you ever again. DO NOT use any of these measures on your hawk’s flockmates, and NEVER, ever threaten the violet hawk’s mate with physical force.


	4. Medical Care and Your Hawk

_Medical Care and your Hawk._

As you may have noted previously, violet hawks are prone to avoiding professional medical treatment at all costs. While the violet hawk is adept at self-treatment of minor injuries, it often underestimates the relative severity of its injuries and habitually disregards regulations requiring both routine and emergency professional medical checks. The best way to ensure compliance is to provide company (either in person or by getting a flockmate or nestmate to supervise) while your hawk undergoes even the most basic and routine medical treatment, including routine physicals and immunizations. If the hawk has a mate, it can be beneficial to allow the mate to worry over the hawk as much as it wishes. Additionally, if the hawk’s mate is also shy of medical treatment, it is possible to get your hawk to undergo treatment or check-ups by setting them to guard their mate. You may need to threaten the medical staff if they attempt sedation as a means of patient control; such an action violates the hawk’s sense of safety. Ideally, you should locate a doctor or nurse your violet hawk is somewhat more trusting of or who knows how to handle wild birds. Encourage medical staff to use outpatient procedures wherever possible. 

Similarly, reward your hawk for cooperative behaviors (including civil conversation with medical staff) by providing minor rewards after it submits to medical care. Providing pizza, good Chinese takeout, or homemade macaroni and cheese can cheer your hawk and smooth its ruffled feathers while not giving it too much manic energy. In a pinch, a bag of Doritos, Cheetos, or Double-Stuff Oreos will work. Use caution with the last, though, as with other sugary treats.

 _The Goodie Bag_  
When your violet hawk has medical conditions that require it to remain in bed or in a small confined area, it is a good time to have your hawk finish paperwork (especially that regarding the incident leading the hawk to be bedridden). To encourage this, after the paperwork is completed provide a Goodie Bag. The Goodie bag should contain supplies to entertain your hawk. The violet hawk has shown preferences for NerfTM weaponry, old copies of Ranger’s Apprentice, children’s cartoons, trail mix (he seems to take great pleasure in picking out all the M &M’sTM so ensure all the healthier bits are also eaten before providing more--the same tactic you need for cereals with marshmallow bits), and movies with explosions. It can be wise to observe the habits of your hawk’s mate and create a Goodie Bag for the mate as well, or to encourage your hawk to do so.

_TIP: In the event of a violet hawk mated to a scientist or engineer, veto access to materials that can be used to create explosions and/or AIs._


	5. Hawks and Other People

_Hawks and Other People._

Violet hawks are quite social, as has been mentioned often in this document. However, they are only social with those they trust, making normal human interactions involving large groups quite challenging. This chapter will provide some basic guidelines in handling your hawk around people it may need to interact with.

_Encountering Strangers_  
Strangers are of course the broadest category of human your hawk may need to interact with. While there are no universal rules as to how your hawk will react to individuals (and sometimes the violet hawk defies expectations), the following tendencies have been noted:  
1\. The violet hawk prefers individuals over small groups and small groups over large groups.  
2\. Pre-adolescents and elderly are generally safe. Violet hawks have considerable skill at entertaining these types of individuals even in large groups.  
3\. Adolescents must be screened. Violet hawks’ interaction may devolve into snark wars, prank-fests, and/or screaming matches. Proceed with caution.  
4\. Single and attractive individuals aged 20-50 are a particular danger for unmated violet hawks as the hawks gravitate toward the more dangerous and mentally unbalanced individuals of this type. _Note: This concern can be somewhat negated once your hawk has chosen a mate._  
4a. Fraternity and/or sorority parties: NO. Not even if your hawk is undercover.  
5\. Wealthy and/or politically powerful individuals tend to make violet hawks feel insecure and more prone to lashing out. Limit interaction with individuals of this type to casual settings. If your hawk must interact with a group of this type of individual in a formal setting, be sure to arrange a temporary nest near the gathering place and ensure simultaneous attendance of any available flockmates. Limiting the required length of attendance at the gathering is also helpful.  
6\. If the large gathering allows your hawk to show off for a large group, many of the above restrictions are voided.

_Forced Cooperation with Antagonists and Enemies_  
On very rare occasions, it will be necessary for your hawk to cooperate with those for whom it has a decided contempt and/or adversarial relationship with. In the worst case, the violet hawk may need to cooperate with previously declared enemies. If such a situation should occur, be sure to make liberal use of bribes (Review the ‘Bribery and Threats’ section). Convince the hawk’s flockmates of the necessity of cooperation in this instance and they can do the hard work of rallying your hawk and reassuring the hawk of their own continued distrust of the current allies. Their (and your) acknowledgement of the usual untrustworthiness of this group will do much to reassure your hawk that you will be guarding against treachery.

_Working with Teams (Non-Flock)_  
Your hawk is a working hawk, so it must frequently work with others, including those whom it does not personally know and whom it may have in the past had territorial disputes with (ie members of assorted non-SHIELD government agencies). Be prepared to offer minor bribes and rewards to your hawk in these cases, and try to secure your hawk a role that permits it to act with a degree of independence. Fortunately, your hawk’s normal skillset makes this last part relatively painless. The way can further be eased if you (after building trust with your hawk) have a role in the leadership of the team.

Other ways to ensure top performance from your hawk include setting clear expectations and guidelines for behavior when working with the temporary flock. Be prepared with reassurances that the “flock/team” designation is only temporary regardless of how well or how poorly the hawk performs. This discourages the hawk from misbehavior designed to secure removal from the temporary flock. Additionally, meet with the members of the temporary flock in advance of the hawk’s first meeting with them and outline similar expectations and guidelines for their behavior. You may need to promise that, as the falconer, you will handle any disciplinary action required, but often, warning them of the violet hawk’s most common triggers minimizes difficulty in implementation of mission plans.

_Working with Flock_  
When your violet hawk has a flock, there are seldom problems in forcing cooperation. You may occasionally need to step in when there is a hierarchical dispute--hawks have forceful opinions that can resemble insubordination--but your real problem will be in discouraging showoff behaviors. You may also need to veto competitions a la _Lord of the Rings’_ Legolas/Gimli body count competition and prank wars. Please note that if your hawk’s mate takes issue with any other member of the flock, it is important to very carefully smooth over any rocky relations, as your hawk will side with its mate in most circumstances and can be inventive in exacting revenge.

_With a Mate_  
All problems your violet hawk has in working with flock increase exponentially when your hawk works with a mate or potential mate. 

If your hawk must work with a potential mate, try to curb the more reckless of the showoff displays you can anticipate. You may need to draw on your best poker face in private debriefings to suggest more effective mating displays that will endanger neither the hawk nor its potential mate. You may wish to consult with relationship counselors first. Avoid anything featured in _Cosmopolitan_ or similar magazines.

You can also anticipate that a violet hawk working with a mate or potential mate will become more violently protective than normal. Turn this behavior to your advantage and station the hawk and mate within each other’s line of sight. If the hawk is actually mated, you will have the bonus of a mate who will assist you in keeping your hawk in good health and in discouraging the more reckless battle displays. On the other hand, your hawk will also be more difficult to handle if the mate is injured or threatened.

NEVER THREATEN YOUR HAWK’S MATE. You will immediately lose trust that you have gained. If you have concerns, having a calm discussion with your hawk can be beneficial, but be careful not to be accusatory, as this will cause your hawk to react defensively to protect its mate.

Also keep in mind: the hawk’s drive to protect its mate and flock can often result in your violet hawk choosing a mate much like itself - somewhat volatile, insecure, untrusting, and often chaotic. The violet hawk also finds intelligence, class, and competence attractive features in a mate, however, so get to know your hawk’s mate and use these factors to your advantage in keeping your hawk healthy and happy.


End file.
